Letting Go of Me

This particular entry has taken quite awhile to write, simply because it's come in fits and starts.  The brilliant epiphany that startled me in the car on the way home from class faded by the next morning, convincing me that sleep is, truly, the enemy.  (What we could accomplish if we didn't have to sleep or earn a living...)  It returned, sliver by sliver, and although what initially burst onto the stage of my mind crawled back slowly, it allowed time for fermentation and the blossoming of the original idea into something that I think is really worthy of writing. 

The last time I posted, I asked, "What am I afraid of?"  What was holding me back from going where God wanted me to go.  In the several weeks I've been pondering that question, I think I've figured it out, and it's a whopper.  To be quite frank, I don't even know how to begin, so let's look at a man named Saul.

In the book of Acts, Saul was "da man."  A leader of leaders, a rising star in the Jewish community, Saul had it made in the shade.  His entire life had groomed him for prominence and prosperity, and he knew it.  He came from the right Jewish tribe, he was a Roman citizen, he had the right education and connections.  His zeal to protect God led him down a path of persecuting the new sect of Christians, until Jesus Himself crossed Saul's path.  At that moment in time, everything that made Saul, Saul, vanished.  A new person - Paul - was born, one who had to start from scratch.  All his education, all his connections, all his heritage meant nothing.  The only thing that meant anything was Christ.  Saul had to let go of himself to go where God wanted him to go, and trust that it really was God speaking to him.  As we have the benefit of history, we know that it was God who spoke to him and we reap the blessings of Paul's ministry to to the early church.  Later in his life, Paul could speak with confidence,  "It is no longer I that lives, but Christ that lives in me," and "For me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain."  Those aren't the words of a man consumed with himself - those are the words of a man who recognizes that he is nothing outside of God, one who lives, daily, as a branch connected to the Vine.

I said all that to say this: I find myself at a crossroads in my life.  On the way home from class a few weeks ago, after I had turned off the radio and was just sitting in the silence of my car with my thoughts about the nature of fear and possession, constitutional vs. social democracies, conservativism vs. liberalism, blah blah blah...(such is the nature of a social welfare policy class).  In the midst of that cognitive maelstrom, God interjected a thought: "If 'yourself' was no longer an issue, why would you ever need to be afraid?" 

In that moment, in that split second, Paul's words made sense to me.  Why could he face so much adversity, persecution, die three times, and still come back boldly proclaiming the Gospel of the Kingdom of God?  Why could he be content whether he had little or plenty, how could he be all things to all people?  Because "Paul" was no longer the issue.  He recognized that himself was merely a human expression of God's own Self, and nothing happened that was not already preordained.  Paul's steps, however self-determined they might have appeared, were ordered of the Lord. 

So, where does that leave me?  Hannah - with all her education, experience, drive, talent, ability, blah blah blah...is nothing but an expression of God's own Self.  All that I am comes from Him; it is in God alone that I live and move and have my being.  Every little piece of my life - my whole journey, including all its triumphs as well as its failures, all those little acts of "disobedience" and "rebellion" (shall I name names? Not!), all the pain and hurt and unjust situations - were ordered of the Lord.  Nothing has been outside of His purview, because nothing is outside of His purview.  Outside of God is - nothing.

And why have I been afraid to voice this?  Because it challenges everything I've ever been taught was true.  It eliminates free will, it eliminates the idea that anything can happen outside the direct, divine will of He who is truly Creator, Preserver, and Governor of all things.  It eliminates the possibility that I can ever be, or do, anything but what He wills.  It blows holes through the thought that I have any control over my life, because my life, truly, rests in Him alone.  All has been planned, orchestrated, and played out to fulfill His purpose - whether I recognize that purpose or not.  Whether I have little or plenty, whether I live or die - my life is in His hands.  And because He cannot forsake Himself, He cannot forsake me.  To live?  Christ.  To die?  Gain.  Either way - He's got my back. 

Wow - with all that said, why have I been afraid?  That same Creator, Preserver, and Governor of all things is also the ultimate Lover of all things,  Leaving me to my own devices is far more frightening than knowing that everything has already been arranged for by the one who loves.  Knowing that God is sovereign and has left no room - or possibility - for error gives me a sense of freedom and boldness that I've never had before.  And when I look at the world - crazy, chaotic, out-of-control - I realize that all of it is well within God's agenda.  Everything is as it should be, happening right on time, fulfilling its God-ordained purpose.

I guess there's really no cause for fear.  But it's like my first time on the high dive: shaking as I climb and climb and climb, trembling as I stand on the edge (with everyone in back of me screaming, "Jump, jump, jump!), closing my eyes, plugging my nose, and finally just sort of falling off the edge, hoping the water will cushion my fall.  Only after I let go of what I thought was solid ground could I experience the thrill of soaring through the air and enjoying the refreshment of the water catching me.  So, as I let go of me - the idea that I am somehow independent of God - I let go of all I thought was safe and secure.  Yeah, I tremble a bit, but as I step off the edge of that self-driven platform, I soar through the expanse of God Himself - contained, guided, and totally protected.

Do I know where this journey will lead me?  Immediately - no.  It is not for me to know where or what He has planned from day to day, only to accept that each day will unfold as planned.  But ultimately?  This journey leads back to the heart of my Creator - to that divine union I have longed for.