What's This Supposed To Feel Like?

Today I am 40 years old.  I think this is what people consider the beginning of middle age.  I don't feel any different than I did yesterday, and I certainly don't look 40 (or so people tell me), so I'm really not sure what to think.

I remember when I turned 18.  I was a freshman at the University of Puget Sound, and made an absolute ninny of myself as I went to each of my friends and asked what they had gotten me for the big day.  What a rude awakening when I found out that no one really cared.  I sat in my dorm room and cried, wondering why there weren't fireworks and strobe lights, not understanding yet that the world just wasn't going to revolve around me.

21 years old...I was a student in Bible college, and, quite frankly, the most concerning thing to me was that at my age, I was no closer to marriage than I was at 2.  Not that preparing for full-time ministry wasn't important, but if I was going to have 4 children (a boy, a girl, then boy/girl twins - yes, I had all my ducks not only in a row, but all wearing appropriate name tags) and have them all out of the house by the time I was 50, well, I had to be married by 22.  I felt a horrible sense of impending doom because my best laid plans just weren't coming together.

25 years old...my "midlife crisis."  My best friend was engaged, the ministry career I'd prepared for had blown up in my face, leaving bits of me all over the place, and I was starting over as a restaurant hostess in a tiny Oregon town.  Wonderful, just wonderful.  No title, no direction, and no hope for me.  Woe was me at 25.  I remember then that I made a list: "Things I want to do for God before I die: 1) Record an album; 2) Write a book; 3) Be a retreat speaker; 4) Lead women's praise and worship."

27 years old...I stood up with my best friend as she married her Prince Charming, and I just knew that I was a washed up old maid.  That is, until I met my Prince Charming that year and married him before he had time to think better of it.  With marriage came three kids; alas, no twins.  27 years old and parenting a 14, 13, and 9 year old; one might consider that I was now a bit ahead of my timeline!  Establishing my piano studio, along with adjusting to family life, kept me in the throes of busy-ness and slight insanity (ask the kids - they'll tell you).

At 31 I went back to school; at 33 I finished the bachelor's degree I started at 17.  At 34 we adopted a fourth child, a high school boy and foster youth whom we'd grown to love through our youth ministry. Kid number four came a few years late, but he was half-baked already so that made up for it. At 35, I woke up and realized that all the things I'd wanted to do with my life at 25 were not only not even started, but that at 35 I was just barely capable of considering them.  One foot in the grave and none of my goals were even in sight. 

At 36 I was both a retreat speaker and a praise & worship leader at the same retreat...check 2 boxes "DONE!"

37 brought both my husband and I to unemployment and losing our home.  I spent the first three months of that year in utter shock, some days unable to get out of bed.  Reciting the Lord's Prayer over and over and over and over again got me through some incredibly difficult days.  But after those three months, I found myself working for Child Welfare Services in our new community, where I experienced an incredible (and do I mean incredible!) degree of favor, we found a church that brought healing to deep wounds, I found new best friends and somehow, I felt that life just might get better.

Three years later, I find myself halfway through a Master of Social Work program, and am enjoying the benefits of increasing tenure in our agency.  Our eldest son married a beautiful girl this year, and our eldest daughter is marrying a wonderful man next year. The other two kids are also discovering the freedom - and challenges - of life as adults.  Hmmm, I wanted all the kids out of the house by 50.  I'm 10 years ahead!  My husband is discovering new passion in the field of and completing a degree in anthropology.  We have nestled into our church community, we've been accepted into community life and service, and the sorrows and challenges of yesterday have faded into the distance. 

So what is this 40th birthday supposed to feel like?  I like how my slightly older, sometimes wiser friend put it: "Welcome to your 40s!  You're old enough for people to take you seriously, but young enough to completely change your life direction if you want."   I like that, although I don't foresee changing my life any time soon (did I just jinx it?).  If I had to put a feeling to this culturally significant birthday, though, I would say "I feel blessed."  I feel blessed because I know that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.  The trials of yesterday have prepared me for the challenges of today, challenges that even I can see myself surmounting.  No, I haven't written a book (although I'm writing my thesis - is that the same thing?), and I haven't recorded an album (but I did record a vaudeville piece last month; it was on a CD), and I'm not a famous retreat speaker or worship leader, but my best friend and I are putting together a band to lead worship at synod assemblies and have been invited to plan and conduct a number of retreats coming up in the next few years.  I suppose I could finish checking off my list, but who knows?  I'm only 40 - there may be more opportunities to fulfill those things.

This is a bit of a babble, I know.  Maybe it's more of a processing for me than a blessing for you.  But I can honestly say to myself, "Happy Birthday, Hannah!  Welcome to the best of the rest of your life."

Now, it's time for cake.